starlight by mut

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"Kak, cepat pulang, ya?”

Agnia hanya tersenyum menatap adiknya. Dhara mungkin hanya tiga tahun lebih muda, tapi tidak pernah tidak manja kepada sang kakak.

“Iya, janji. Pekerjaannya hanya dua planet dari sini, kok. Tablet kamu masih bisa digunakan, kan? Kalau ada apa-apa jangan sungkan hubungi kakak, ya.”

Dhara tersenyum balik. “Siap, kak!”

Berbalik sembari tertawa, Agnia melambaikan tangannya kepada sang adik yang bertengger di pintu rumahnya. Segera ia memasuki pesawat luar angkasa mini miliknya dan melakukan pengecekan sebelum lepas landas. Dari ujung matanya, ia melihat ibunya memperhatikannya dari jendela atas, tapi ketika ia membelokkan kepalanya sedikit, ia tidak melihat apa-apa.

Hmm.

“Hanya masuk-ambil-keluar-drop. Seminggu juga sudah selesai.”

Kepulangan Agnia disambut dengan rumahnya yang sudah menjadi puing-puing hitam tanda terbakar. Adik dan ibunya tidak terlihat sama sekali.

-0-

starry night by mut

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on night like this, i lay down on my balcony, with half of my body inside. i pretend that i’m somewhere else, like an empty field surround by the nature. or, if i’m being particularly blue, i pretend that this is the rooftop of my apartment, and you’re here with me.

the thing i miss the most is actually the conversation. soft spoken, especially when we reach the witch hour. the vulnerability and honesty, and the way you make me feel like you understand. it’s easy, it always is. effortless. when the morning comes, i always regret those conversations because they make me easier to be read by you. but only for a second. nevertheless, when the night comes and you call, i will always answer.

you actually never promise to always be there, and i never asked you to. i always know that you will be gone by morning, and there will be time when you won’t call when the star shines bright anymore. i always tell myself to never expect, never demand. but still, the disappointment is there when you stop calling.

i didn’t regret anything, i said. it is partially true. the one thing i regret the most is that i cannot look at the starry night the same anymore, because our conversation is always under the night sky. i miss being able to sleep soundly at night without expecting a call from someone who already forgotten me. i miss looking at the stars without remembering you.

(i miss you)

End of the Year's Note

[16/11/19, 07.02 local time]
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"Because the dawn right
before the sun rises is the darkest,
even in the far future
never forget the you of right now,
wherever you are right now,
you’re just taking a break,"
--Tomorrow, BTS.
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this year taught me what its like to feel very afraid you cannot speak, you cannot think, you feel nauseous, you choked up everytime you take a breath. what its like to feel empty you just lay in bed all day and night without care. to have an empty mind and hollow heart.
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but this year also reminded me what its like to laugh out loud, to feel very happy you can touch the sky, to smile so bright it brought tears to your eyes. to have your heart lighten up, to feel proud of yourself, to yell 'i finally did it!'.
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another year full of being on the top of the world but also on the bottom of the ocean. of being on a rollercoaster we called life, just being there for the ride and pray for the best. of learning about oneself even at the edge of a phase, about what is right and what is wrong and finding the silver lining. of falling in love and heartbreak and everything in between.
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thank you. this year is officially the last of my college year. thank you for the four years. see y'all soon.
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(still, if you ask whether or not i still feel the same, the answer is just like last year
so
yes
but i'm moving on, i am
or i will)

angel with a shotgun by mut

when an angel met a human and promptly fell in love.

farewell

- - -

leaving the safety of college is scary.

searching a way to start something new after an end is scarier.

- - -

goodbye seems too final but see you again is too vague. then again, the story after a farewell is usually only an epilogue, an epic story from a few years later with a 'happily ever after'. but who stays to read the story from the years in between? when we fumbled blindly, searching for a place in this world for us to stay and make things works, trying to write another story, one full of uncertainty?

(i can't believe its been four years already)

four years sounds a long time but after this last four years, it sure seems like a short amount of time, eh? i still feel like a kid, unsure of what to do and didn't feel ready enough to enter the real world. but maybe there's nothing to do but just keep going, to keep learning everyday, to not only survive but living and thriving.

the truth is indeed, life goes on. even after the last page of our college days, there will be another chapter for us to fill in, but this time without a clear timeline. they said everyone has their own timeline, and i agree. not everyone got their dream job right away, not everyone met the love of their lives at the age of 22. and not everyone have a dream, but please be happy anyway.

these photos are my beloved and the pain in my ass, usually both at the same time. the people with whom i share stories with. thank you for the last for years. thank you for being there, consciously or not. thank you for the laughter, the tears, the groan of exasperation, even the broken hearts.

(and yes, i did pine for you for nearly four years, and clearly end up with a broken heart, but i still don't regret it, even if i did wish you return my affection)

i'm sorry for everything i did wrong, tho. i know there's too many of them for me to write here one by one, and some things are meant to be remain unspoken, but i'm still sorry nevertheless.

see you soon, maybe once we all reach our top.

xoxo, npm 12.

- - -

me, my parents, and the last Gengster Geopis to graduate: